I think I speak for the majority of those playing FFXII:

MARQUIS IS PRONOUNCED MAR-KEY !!!!NOT!!!! MAR-KWISS

GAAAAAHHHH!!!!! When will it stop!

For those keeping up with me I'm sorry I haven't posted in ages

I was involuntarily commited to a mental institution before I could go voluntarily.

...I'm embarassed to say... but I attempted suicide. Yes, I flatlined, and yes, I'm ok now.

To cope with my problems I have begun to write a screenplay about my life. It will help me figure out how things have gotten this far out of hand. =\

I'll be strong.

I love all of you so much.

I write this for myself. I  spend so little time near the computer these days. I just tend to draw endlessly. I will have a lot of submissions for the new curator.

Last night... I did something bad again.

I got into a fight with John.  I was completely out of control.

I asked mom if there was one event that I would have thought of as horrific from my childhood. Something that would scar me for an eternity. Something a child would not be able to handle. She said that there was one time my father got in a fight with my mother and left. He drove across our lawn tearing up the grass and I chased after him screaming, "What about me, Daddy!" 

I don't think that's what I was looking for. I asked her if there was anything else... a little bit more violent. Abuse wise, she was unaware of anything that went over the top of his typical beatings. I wasn't really satisfied. I've come to grips with the fact that my father beat me. He loved us dearly, but he was just a little sick. With counceling there was hope for finding a wonderful man. I do love my father, even though I have never seen or heard from my father since I was 7. He did however treat me like a princess when he was in his right mind. So, I don't think it was my father's abuse that triggered all my pain. I think for the most part I have gotten over that. So anything else that went above and beyond Dixon's rage? 

Mom... hmmmm....not tthat I can think of. I remember a LOT of my early childhood. MY therapist was alarmed at how much I remember. Which is an indicator that something happened to cause me to never forget it.  So... when did I first feel that uncontrolable anger that I sometimes feel? 2nd grade... I threatened to skin my classmates alive... ok where the FUCK does a 5-year-old hear something like that?!?!? Hmmm... i dunno. Think deeper when else did you feel that anger? Well... something like it... It was more anger at my hopelessness. It was also my first black-out. 2 or 3-years-old. .. I nearly cut my toe off. I blacked out and I remember that my mother told me I was so uncontrolably angry I was lashing out at the doctors. They had to strap me down to put in the stitches.  Hm.... not horrific enough. Any other time you felt anger? 

Anger... almost fear... there IS something I can remember. But I don't know if it has to do with anything. My grandmother made us take naps when we werent even tired. We HAD to sleep with her. She'd get naked, and it was gross. She had all these moles and was fat. She kept saying if we didn't behave then we'd have to take our nap with grandpa.

Thats when I felt so scared... almost angry. 

I get close to vomiting when I talk about it. I've been moping around for days since it was brought up. I think maybe that was it.

I asked mom one more time, anything else where I was beat up or heard something really bad?

Oh....wait a minute... Dixon's parents would babysit you. Sometimes you'd come back and have bruises on your thighs.

I wanted to vomit.
I wanted to hit something.
I was shaking all over.
I felt helpless.
I felt destructive.
I would have a headache.

I was catatonic for nearly a day.

So I found my problem... I think. Problem is... I don't remember how I got those bruises. I don't remember what my punishment was when I slept with my grandfather.

I remember always being TERRIFIED of him.I would run away from him whenever he would come out.

I am a little scared. I try to remember why and I cant. Its like Ive blocekd it from my memory.

I am scared of what I will find. Here's a little TMI for you... I am afraid that there was something sexual involved. Mom, said she too felt that way... what really has me scared is that when I lost my virginity I didn't bleed. I didn't play any vigorous sports either. I played volleyball... but we were so stationary and the game was never intense. So I should have bled. But I didn't.

Right now I'm playing put the puzzle togehter. I seem to be regressing more. Being more angry, mor sad.  that might be a good thing. It means I'm on the right track.

I am however, irrationally afraid of the bedroom. I slept amazing for the first time in ages when I slept on the futon in the den. Maybe some connection?  I want my sleeping pill perscription changed. The Restora doesn't do jack shit. The Soma was better.

I sort of fear writing this online... but somehow by typing thoughts where people can read them it makes them concrete... it keeps me from denying it happened. It's embarassing, but it is also helpful.

Everything keeps getting worse and worse and worse!

I am so fucking angry!

So, I had checked myself in to recieving treatment at the Charles County Department of Health and Mental Hygeine. So, I'm not commited or anything, but I have weekly therapy visits and a doc and all that good shit. I started going recently about... 3weeks ago. I was so depressed and such. Life wasn't so good. So the Phil thing happened... they think I'm sad because of him. I move out of the house... things still are bad. 

Then out of the blue I don't remember one of my therapy sessions, and they're like come back in! I HAVE to see you a second time this week. I'm like, "Uhh... why?" 

My therapist let me know that she talked with her superviser, and they think that I have D.I.D (Disocciative Identity Disorder) with a case of post traumatic stress disorder. Well, Doc, What the fuck does that mean?

Well... in a nut shell... somehting so traumatic and horrifying happened to me and I didn't know how to deal with my feelings of pain, hurt and fear so I have created another identity to deal with it.  On top of things, my insomnia is a result of the PTSD. I am too afraid to sleep so that it is next to impossible to sleep or stay asleep. When I do sleep it is always shallow enough to wake up to the slightest sound. Hoorah, huh? 

Yes, I feel pain. I always feel pain, and for reasons I know not.  Often I feel like just crying or I cowar at a situation. I horrified to do somehing wrong.... it's really hard to go on with life. Now, I need a more 'rigorous' treatment. More medicine, more intense sleep aids, more therapy... and a mapping of my identities.

Ok... I have multiple identities? What's their names buddy? I don't know anything. They keep asking me that when I am not Ann, what do I feel?

Well, I don't know.... I just remember being angry, but I don't remember what we talked about last session.  

She wants to talk to my other identity again, but I don' tknow how to cue a change. I just remember being angry. I want to cry. My whole life seems to be falling apart. I don't want to be crazy. 

I believe her though. I have several gaps in my memory. 

Its horrible... all the medications, all the therapy sessions, all the sadness has me just blocking everything out. I feel so catatonic these days. I'm missing myself more and more. It seems like I'm regressing into a dark hole that's warm. What about those I am letting down? 

I haven't been doing my work. i haven't been cleaning. I havent been checing my mail. I've been skipping work. Who knows when the last time I touched RPGamer was. I tried to do a post... I couldn't get a proof two different times I tried... I gave up.

I've been giving up a lot.

I'm going to quit RPGamer... I love it so much. I love the people, the environment, and the work. The art and Kashu Arashi's submissions would make my day... and Staci/Nadia... and Lackshamana... and Connor Quigley... and Doc... damn, I love them all. RPGamer is blessed wit some wonderful submitters. 

My grammar has been on a decline.
It is sad. 

I want ed to experience OmniArt... but I am so sick now. 

My therapist said that when we get to the root of the problem and find out what happened to me to cause this there is going to be a lot more pain... I imagine it smething like getting a filling for a tooth that really hurts. It's just going to hurt more when we uncover the problem. 

Because I have to go back in and deal with the pain in a healthier way. I have no idea what happened to me that was so traumatic.

but there is a good lickelyhood that I have blocked it out of my memory. Certainly the key to answering this question lies somewhere in that angry person inside me, but how do we talk to her? how do we single her out for a day?

I don't want to though... I'm afraid of all that angry. It sometimes feel slike there is a monster inside me clawing to get out. I get these intense headaches... then I go catatonic.

It's bizarre

I have let so many people down.

I hate myself for it.

I want no sympathy.

What few know is that I am an insomniac. Not a person who stays up late and sleeps all day and is convinced they are an insomniac because they stay up all night.... those people annoy me. No, I am a true insomniac. Sleeping is a chore for me. God, I love sleep. I really do, and I'm always sleepy... but I just can't ever get to sleep... or stay asleep. I'd take an assortment of OTC sleeping pills to help out... meh, no luck. So I have been seeing a doctor about it finally. At first I just had counceling... no help. Then muscle relaxers... felt really night and mellow... it really helped me to fall asleep.... but 15 minutes later I'd be up again.... and then down then up then down.... the usual. So we had my prescription changed. The doc could hardly believe me because she's always had good luck with the Soma. So she gave me the max dosage of temazepam. Its not working either. It took me 3 hours to get to sleep last night, and I was up and down all night long. XO For fuck's sake!

'what does a girl have to do for a little beauty rest???

Waaaah, school starts in a week, and I'm losing my head like Jenova.... only my son isn't carrying it around for me.... I'm just kinda like.... tumbling around.... like a tumble week.... or weed.

Hmmm.... in a moment of awesome......

FIIIIIIIIIIIIIITHOS

LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSEC

You know the rest.

*kisses Star Ocean III goodbye* I'll get around to beating you on Thankgiving break. I love you Cliff! 

Ahhhh, next year's omniart is going to start early so that we can have a Valentine's competition.... The theme:  "Draw me a picture discussing why everyone thinks Cliff is so sexy~!"

Of course Cliff can easily be substituted with Auron.... Even if I were a man, I'd so take it in the ass to get some Auron lovin! XD

Definitely a boycrazy day!

Oh, and don't get me started on my H. Lexxy from Oblivion. Helllooooooooo Captain!  I love RPGs because RPGs supply the world with endless supply of uber sexy men! Oh, and hours of gameplay. 

Errrr.... Long Liver Edrick~!

Um.... what? This looks like some sort of monster from Dragon Warrior/Quest

I am so scared. I really am. Phil's going to kill me one of these days if I don't get out of here soon. But I am in college, I can't work to put myself through college and get through college. I know lots of people do it, and they would call me weak. There are two reasons I can't.
1.) My grades went from As to Cs when I worked full time.
2.) I'll be damned if I give up this opportunity for a normal life. 
I have had to deal with a father who beats me, a mother that ignores me and now a step father that threatens to kill me. I have always been afraid to bring any friends over to the house. (Granted my mother's hick duck prints were also the cause too). 

Now I feel like shit. I had responsibilities last night! I had lots of things I had to complete. Well, I sent out a few messages so hopefully everyone heard the story.

So what happened? Well, at the dinner table my step-father attacked me. He threatened me with a fork.(Yea, I know it sounds stupid, but imagine it two inches from your eye.) He was spitting off what he was going to do to me like 'shoving a fork up my ass' and 'beating me *insert multiple child-like profanities.*' Sure this isn't the first time he's attacked me. Hell, he's hit me before. But it's the first time he's ever said something about 'killing.'

I told my mom I was going to call the police. She was like, "Don't you dare call the police." all up at me. Oh, I didn't call the police.

I went to the police. However, since he didn't touch me the only thing they can do is.... not much.  I'm thinking about going to W.I.C today, or D.C.S.S. I am so tired of getting myself reduced to a nothing for no reason at all. Why the fuck do you think I am on meds? Why am I depressed? Because I have to deal with his shit! Thank god I am on some sort of medicaiton, because I know I would have shot myself last night if I didn't have my moods balanced! I really hate life. I hate the situation I am in. Like, I thought this would end. I thought I'd get some peace. I'm not getting that til I can move out. However, I can't move out.

Just.... watch it.... wow....

Maybe I should start posting some of my drawings....

I got bored and made this crappy photo edit. It's hard to get a crisp line with only a damn mouse. Whys everything in my house gotta break?

Oooooooh, Batman, I'm coming to getcha~!

I love those special days~!

Itenerary for tomorrow!

8:30am - Wake Up Ya Bitches!

10am - Doc's Visit

12pm - Get home, eat, and Shower

1-3pm - Straiten my hair... yes it takes that long.

4pm - Exit the house

5pm - Eat at Cho's Garden!!!!!

7pm - Finally get out of Cho's Garden

8pm - Play at Wolftrap BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!



I am so psyched. Not only am I eating at the most awesome restaurant ever, but I get to hear some sweet muzak!

Now you may ask, "What is so cool about Cho's?"

Umm.... everything! It's this great Korean b-b-q place that has the best sushi around. Now what is better than snacking on unagi rolls annd pickled radish while watching your bulgolgi and gal bi fry right on your very own b-b-q pit at your table?? Um.... NOTHING! Haha, not to mention they have barley tea. Yum yum and if you need a jolt there's the ginseng tea too!! Oh god the yumminess! I'm starting to drool. It's right near Lotte... my most favorite grocery store in the world~! It's over in Fairfax so its on the way to....

Wolftrap! Woohoo!! That's right, I'm going to see the most awesomeness! Chyeah! I'm psyched.... ruuuurlly psyched bitchs! And sue me if I'm geeky! You can kiss my left ass-cheek! Wow, I'm profane tonight!

Alright, I'm dropping into my house for a moment, so I'll update you all.

I ~thought~ my A/C was going to be fixed this past Saturday. Buuut.... no. Turns out that my last A.C was installed incorrectly which explains why the A.C didn't cool the house off that well. The bad news is they had to re-'plumb' all the whatever stuff that hooks the A.C from the outside to the inside. Which when only one man wokring on it takes several days. I was told it is close to being done.

*shrugs* Who knows really. It has me irritated. I've been pretty much living out in the sticks of Southern Maryland this whole time, so I haven't been ablke to do my RPGamer work. I am such a slacker! Gaaaaaah! Oh well I droped into the home place today to see how progress is going. I expected the AC to be fixed by now. oh well. So i was lkike... it's hot as balls but I am seriously behind on fanart so I don't care. I open the file I have been working on for about 2 weeks maybe 3 now. Mind you I had heat exhaustion the whole time working on it... I would type four words and be like "What am I doing? Huh... what was the last thing I typed?" Then I'd give up. I rememeber I was so clsoe to being done so I figured hey, I got five minutes I can do a post now and I can do another in two dayts when the A/C is fixed to make up for all the missed out fanart. (Which is what I had planne don doing a month ago, but I didn't expect a heat wave to give me a heat stroke)So anyways, I opent he file, half the words are mispelled, and I had only added two submisisons to the HTML... but when I looked on my word file where I keep all the important informations.... I had deleted all the submissions except for one... so I ~thought~ I had put in 5 submissions' info into the HTML... Like I was reallty convinced of it. So now I have to go into the FTP and figure out what I did... or didn't upload because I have no links to account for the submisisons I thought I uploaded. What a mess. I am glad that I dind't go through with anymore work tho... I could have really fouled things up if I was making big mistakes like that wiuthout knowing, God, I can't even type right in this heat.

And what bad timing too! Right before audits! >.< Why couldn't my A/C die a month later so I could get my quota points!! *pouts* Oh well, I sense a warning coming my way. =P It's yako.

Hahaha, yako. Do you guys remember that shit?> Yako yako yako yako! I was surriously so tired I spelled okay backwards. Granted being dyslexic has something to do with that too. Yako is soooo much cooled that okay.

Well, I am returning to the in-laws house. I'm working on a sweet Oblivion fanart peice. *sigh* I think I'm the only person who is smitten with Hieronymus Lex. So being the girly girl I am Im making a cute drawing of two enemies snuggling because thats what smitten girls do best!

After a recent heat injury, we have decided to relocate to John's parent's house.
I won't have the internet while staying there, so bare with me.
I'll return when the A/C is repaired.

W

Myspace can suck my titties! No one leaves me any comments on there anymore =(.

On another note, John and I went to Ocean City for a day to escape the heat. The water was icey cold, and it felt orgasmic to be cold again! The shops there have some cute clothes(and some really REALLY skanky clothes). Well, we found a shirt that we have been looking for for a while. We had envisioned a slightly revealing, black shirt with some sort of gold trimming. We found it and it makes me look like I spent about $10,ooo on a boobie job! =)

I dunno where I'm going to where it. I guess plays, concerts and such. Not something you wear in front of the in-laws!

Even worse.....

Uh-huh.......?????? Why do I get this lameness?

XXXero and I are going to make videotapes, and with our billions we're going to buy RPGamer. And I, LibraoftheAwesome, will be everyone's boss!!!! 

Mwaahahahah! Then RPGamer will have enough money to offer free food at meetings. Isn't that something?

Oh, and our dragon.... yes, definitely getting pink bunny ears and a fairy friend. Change the color scheme to pinks and purples and put a happy sunshine in the corner. 

Sound good? Sound professional enough. And at the bottom it will say "Powered by: XXXero" to give homage to the man who assisted me in my conquest. =)


My vision: